D'Scent of a Woman

The Descent (2006)

Rating ... C- (35)

Adhesion Contract (hereafter referred to as "The Agreement"), constructed and forcibly signed __ day __ month 20__, contracted between parties Hollywood (hereafter referred to as "lol goldmine") and The Viewer (hereafter referred to as "totalnub") on the subject of disasters. (Hereafter referred to as "teh pwn")

Section 1. Index of and Willful Abstention from Teh Pwn

Based on the invaluable knowledge bestowed upon totalnub by lol goldmine, the totalnub do solemnly swear to never again venture forth into, and hereby acknowledge how completely fucked totalnub would be in such an occurrence, in the presence of any of the following instances of teh pwn:

Tornadoes
Volcanoes
Meteorite Impacts
Hurricanes
Freak Changes in the Global Climate
Floods
Forest Fires
Insect Invasions
Disease
Nuclear Weapons
Buses
Cruise Boats
Fishing Boats
U-Boats
Any Boats What-So-Fricking-Ever
Airplanes
Space Shuttles
Aliens
Plan 9 From Outer Space
Any Plans From Outer Space
Outer Space
Space
Trading Spaces
Mel Gibson
Deterioration of the Earth's magnetic field as a result of its Inner Core no longer spinning

Addendum, 9-5-06: Cave Explorations


Section 2. Adherence to and Proliferation of Teh Pwn

Furthermore, the totalnub willingly agree to uphold and plant in others the notion that aforementioned occurrences of teh pwn retain an overwhelming probability to occur despite what experts or common sense may dictate.


Section 3. The Descent

Based on the mutual aims of lol goldmine and totalnub, the parties heretofore agree upon the following:

1. The inclusion of at least five (hereafter referred to as "5") manufactured "boo frights," which will be accompanied by appropriate increases in volume, which in the event the story (hereafter referred to as "wut happens") cannot comply will consist of one protagonist (hereafter referred to as "don't char-acter") sneaking up on another don't char-acter.

2. The survival of at least one don't char-acter present in wut happens, and the perishing of at least three don't char-acters.

3. lol goldmine can furnish one instance of emotional heft (hereafter referred to as "the emo"), PROVIDED THAT the emo consists of brief cutting to no more than two specific memories of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which shall be unexplored and unrelated to the progression of wut happens.

4. The totalnub demand the presence of Gollum-esque cave dwellers (hereafter referred to as "Goblin Spelunkers") opposing the don't char-acters in the light of the inherent unbelievability that the forces of nature could ever act as a hindrance to the don't char-acters' iniation through wut happens.

5. lol goldmine will accomodate half-baked allegorical undertones involving ONLY female don't char-acters in contention to primitive male Goblin Spelunkers that reside in the damp, dark, bloody, otherwise feminine three-prong cave system.

6. lol goldmine will comply with the constraints cited in the Idiotic Fad Clause residing in Section XIV of the Collaboration Agreement entitled OMFG DISASTER! in which the resolution of wut happens is to be characterized not by relief or rumination but instead one instance of aforementioned boo frights and so-deemed inconclusiveness regarding the emo.


Section 4. Cancellation of and Renegotiation of The Agreement.

lol.


In witness whereof, the parties hereto have deemed this agreement demonstrative of their respective intentions and executable by their present representatives.